we know very well who we are
by murphysarc
Summary: Post s3e17. After Meredith's drowning, she spends some time recuperating in the hospital. One very unexpected person visits her, and points out some things she should've known all along. Alex & Meredith friendship. Warnings for abuse & suicide mentions.


**The scene I never knew was missing, until now. Details could be shaky; it's been a while, haha! Title is from "New Americana" by Halsey. Also, I know Meredith didn't find out Alex had a brother until s6, but...let's just pretend :) Hope you enjoy :)**

The scariest part of drowning wasn't the drowning itself; it was the questions that came after.

Meredith had heard them all, at this point. A week after she'd woken from her drowning, she'd finally made an almost full recovery, and was going to be released from the hospital. Everyone, it seemed, had come to visit her; Cristina, George, Izzie, Bailey, and even Callie. Derek had come the most often by far, and while she was grateful for that, she just wanted the questions to end.

 _"How are you feeling? Are you in any pain? What was it like when you were...y'know, dead? Did you have an epiphany based off your second chance at life? Do you feel lucky?"_

No, no, no, no, no. No. That was her answer. It got everyone to go away, at least.

So the day before Meredith's release, she was finally alone. She figured it was probably because everyone had given up on her saying anything of value at all. Once they were sure she could actually talk, they didn't care so much.

"Hmm."

Meredith turned her head towards the doorway to her room once she heard the voice. Alex Karev, the one person who _hadn't_ come to visit her, was standing there, a puzzling expression on his face. It was puzzling for her, at least - she'd only ever seen Alex angry or stoic. Now, he looked...sympathetic. "What?" Meredith finally said.

Alex just shook his head. "Well, when they pulled you out you were pretty pale. Like - _ghostly_ pale. Blood circulation or not, it was weird. I was just wondering if you'd be that pale for life now. Guess not, huh?"

She actually smiled, for the first time since - since her mother had been lucid. "You know I wouldn't be."

He shrugged, and finally entered the room, choosing to sit on the edge of her bed. "Yeah, well. Ghostly pale still isn't a fun thing to see." He stopped for a moment. "Or was it because you _were_ a ghost? Wandering the hallways while your body died. How fun would that be?"

"Alex, why are you here?" They didn't have much in common. He hadn't come all week, not even when the rest of her friends were there for lunch. Why would he come now, of all times, and just make small talk?

Silence fell between them. He didn't know how to answer the question, and she didn't know how to ask more.

"Look, you've been poked and prodded and put through all kinds of crap this week," he finally said, his words rushed, the beginnings meshing with the ends, "and everyone's been in and out and asking you all sorts of things. So I just - I just want to ask you one thing."

Meredith almost rolled her eyes. Her answer - most likely another "no" - was at the tip of her tongue, but then Alex said, "Can you swim?"

She blinked, trying not to let the shock show on her face. A whole week, and no one had thought to ask. Meredith supposed they just assumed she couldn't; otherwise, why would she have drowned?

Despite her best efforts, though, Alex read right through her. "You can, can't you?" he asked. "You can swim perfectly well."

Her throat felt dry all of a sudden, even though her eyes felt wet. "I...I used to win all sorts of swimming competitions at my high school," she whispered. Only after did she speak did she realize what she'd just confessed to.

Alex didn't scream at her, though, like she'd expected. Instead, he just nodded. "I figured."

This time, Meredith didn't even try to hide the shock. "You did?"

"Yeah," he said. "It was your mom, wasn't it? Having her here, having her die. Can't be very good for you, especially if the rumours of Ellis Grey were true." He paused. "Kind of a bitch, wasn't she?"

Meredith laughed dryly. "She can - she could be, yeah."

"Yeah," he said again. "Look, I...I'm not good at this crap, so I'm just going to say it, okay?" A tender side of Alex was coming out, and honestly, Meredith wasn't sure what she thought about it.

"Okay," she said, a little fearful for whatever he was going to say.

"When I was thirteen, my dad got real bad. There was one night, and he was just screaming, throwing my mom around and throwing things at her once she was down. I was hiding, with my brother, Aaron, and my sister, Amber, but then I heard him coming. I managed to slip out and get away from him, but my siblings they...weren't so lucky."

Alex took a deep breath, steadying himself. Meredith didn't dare interrupt. Finally, he managed to continue. "My dad got them, and it was awful. But I didn't go back. I was too scared. I knew that I _should_ go back, but I didn't. I still regret that. Once he was gone, I felt so terrible about everything that had happened. I felt like I was disappearing, that I was gone and all that was left was this bunch of crap emotions, mostly anger. I didn't think I could get through another night like that.

As soon as my drunken dad passed out, I went to the bathroom, and I took every pill I could find."

Meredith swallowed. Suddenly, she knew exactly where this was going. "My brother, actually, called 911. I was told he was 'just in time', and minutes later, I would've been dead. But I didn't die. I was so angry that it didn't work, that I couldn't even pull that off...I was a messed up kid. I was, and I know that now. Realizing that was how I managed to pull myself through med school and now my internship.

"Mer...I think, I think you just need to admit it. We all get messed up. We all deal with crap, and you've dealt with so much. But. Admit it, okay?"

She didn't have an answer. She didn't need to. Alex stood up and straightened himself, but before he left, he turned around and said, "I swear, if you say a word of this to anyone, I will-"

"I won't, Alex," she promised. "I promise."

He nodded and turned away once more just as George entered the room. "Hey, Meredith, how're you feeling?" he asked, but when he noticed Alex in the room he stopped. "Oh, hey, Alex."

George took Alex's spot on the bed. Just before Alex left, he turned to her, and said, "Now, get out of here so you can go win some more swimming competitions, okay?"

She smiled and genuinely laughed for the first time in a long, long time. Her smile was real this time, ear to ear, and that made her so, so happy. "Meredith can't swim," George countered, saying it like it was obvious.

Alex locked eyes with Meredith. "Of course she can't, O'Malley, we all know that. It was a joke." Though Meredith could visibly see the tenderness die in Alex's eyes, she knew it was there.

As Alex left her room, she realized maybe they had more in common than she thought.


End file.
